Got a Bad one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
Male PR rep: Do you want to see my Big Debut? Female PR rep: If you show me your Big
Debut I'll show you my Grand Opening.
A panda walks into a whorehouse and picks out a girl that takes him to her room. They
begin their act and when the panda is ready he put on his clothes and then the whore says:
"Hey, my money!" The Panda replies: "What money?" The whore says:
"I'm a pleasure girl. You must pay me." Panda says: "I don't know what a
pleasure girl is." The whore says: "Look it up in the encyclopedia." The
panda looks it up and reads "Pleasure girl - Gets paid for a fuck." The panda
says: "I'm a panda I don't to pay." The whore is surprised and asked:
"Why?" The panda replies: "Look it up in the encyclopedia." The whore
looks it up and reads "Panda - Eats bushes and leaves."
A country couple--I mean BACKWOOD country couple were recently married. One of the wedding
gifts which they received was a sow. Farmer Brown, who gave them the sow told them to
bring the sow to his male pig (boar?) and soon they would have baby pigs. So, the next
morning, the young man put the sow in the wheelbarrow and pushed her down the road to
farmer Brown's. After the sow and the boar "did the dirty," the young man pushed
the sowback home. The next morning the couple checked, but there were no pigs yet. So, the
man loaded the sow onto the wheelbarrow and took her back to Farmer brown's. The next
morning--no piglets. So, the next day they tried again. The next morning, as the wife and
husband ate breakfast: Wife: we got any baby pigs? Husband: No, but the sow's in the
wheelbarrow.
A father was walking around the neigborhood with his son when they came upon two dogs
involved in the procreative act. "Father, what are they doing?" asked the little
boy. "They're making a puppy," the father said. Later that night junior gets out
of bed and goes to his parents' room to find them in the procreative act. "Daddy,
what are you doing?" asks the son. "We're making a baby," replied the
father. The little boy's says, "Well roll her over -- I want a puppy!!!"
This lion is having a drink at his local waterhole. A chimp sneaks up behind him and slips
him a Liberace and runs for his life. The lion lets out a tremendous roar and chases the
monkey. The monkey runs into a nearby safari camp and puts on a safari suit and hat, picks
up a newspaper and starts to read it. Before long the lion comes running in to the camp,
looking for the chimp. The lion sees the chimp behind the paper but doesn't recognize him
and asks him if he has seen a chimp running this way. The chimp says "Do you mean the
one that fucked the lion up the ass?". "Shit," says the lion " is it
in the fucking paper already?"
Another one.....This Indiana teenager goes up to his dad and says "hey, Dad can I
have 20 bucks for a blowjob?" His dad says "I dunno ... you any good?"
A newly married woman was at a friend's house, her friend asked how things were going so
far. The married woman told her how great life was and that the sex was good, but her
husband wanted a hand job, but she didn't know how to do it. Her friend told her it was
easy, just practice on the ketchup bottle. So that night the couple is in bed and he once
again asks for a hand job, she was all excited and grabbed his penis and flattened her
hand and smacked straight down on top of the head of his penis
This is the story of Henry the sperm who was very ambitious. He wanted to be THE ONE to
cause fertilization. He was indeed the strongest in his group of friends for he would do
almost anything to keep himself fit & strong. One day things started to warm up - it
was time... Henry & all his sperm friends started to run to reach the egg. Henry put
in all he had and was leading Suddenly, Henry stopped & started running back screaming
- "Everybody get back... It's a
BLOW-JOB".
Then there were a group of ambitious sperms, eagerly waiting for their day to come. One
morning they got news that their time's about to come and all of the started jogging,
doing push-ups ...... just anything - to do it. One guy said, "If I am successful,
I'd become a doctor". "I'd be a lawyer", said another. "I'd become the
president", said a long tail. As they were discussing their future careers, the big
moment came, and out they splashed onto the floor! They looked up at he guy (who'd just
finished masturbating) and yelled - "You bastard! You spoiled all our careers!"
A college Professor had a few days off and decided to go to the zoo. He enjoyed looking at
the varied wildlife as he wandered through the paths, and sat down by the monkeys to rest.
He became very perplexed as he noticed that one monkey had a bowl of peanuts, and would
pull out a peanut, look at it, stuff it up his anus, take it out and eat it. He watched
the monkey do this until the entire bowl was empty. Being rather upset and confused by
what he had witnessed, he went up to the offices, and asked to speak with the zoo- keeper.
When he was led into the keeper's office, he told him that something was definitely wrong
with one of his monkeys. After he related what he had seen, the keeper gravely nodded his
head and said that the monkey he had seen was the smartest animal in the zoo. Totally
baffled, the Professor asked him how that could be? "Well," said the zoo-keeper,
"last week that monkey ate a whole peach, and it hurt him so bad when the pit came
out, that now he checks everything before he eats it to make sure it will fit!"
A farmer's bull seemed to lacked his usual sexual drive and wasn't going near the cows.
The farmer called the vet, who examined the bull and prescribed something to stimulate the
bull's interest. A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend who asked,
"How's that bull? Did the vet help?" The farmer: "Thankfully, the bull is
back to his former frisky self." Neigbor: "What miracle drug did the vet
prescribe?" The farmer: "I don't know, but it tastes like licorice."
This young girl about 5-7 years old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after
school. Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk
the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well. His daughter became very upset
and cried for most of the night The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some
gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the cover the smell from the male dogs. Well when
the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again. About an
hour later the girl returned without the dog. The father asked what on earth has happened
to the dog? The girl replies: Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back and is being
pushed home by another dog.
A tourist rents a camel to an old Bedouin, who tells him : It's a very capricious animal,
sometimes it stops and won't continue. What do I do then ? , You take these two bricks I
give you, and when it stops, you get down, walk behind it, and (*smash*) crush its balls
between the bricks ! God, it must hurt terribly ! No, look : if you hold them this way,
with your thumbs on the upper side, it doesn't hurt at all.
One day a farmer had decided the time had come to sell his land. He and his wife were
getting on in years, all the children were grown and they thought they'd buy a condo in
Florida. Shortly after the farmer put a "FOR SALE" sign in front of the house a
man stopped by to look at the place. He explained he was from the city, needed to get out
of the rat race and wanted a modest spread he could work himself. After looking the place
over he decided it was perfect. Just the right size and not to far from his family. He
told the farmer "You know, this is perfect. But there's only one problem. When I was
walking around I noticed there are an awful lot of bees here. And I'm deathly allergic to
bee stings. I'd really like to buy the place but I'm terribly frightened of the
things." The farmer replied, "There's always been bees around but in the thirty
years I've worked this farm I've never been stung once. I tell you what I'll do. The
weather's very pleasant today. Why don't you take off your clothes and I'll tie you to
that tree for a few hours. If the bees have a tendency to sting you won't be able to get
away and you'll know what you're up against. And if a single bee stings you, I'll GIVE you
the farm. However, if you don't get stung, you agree to pay my asking price." The
city man agreed, took off his clothes and the farmer tied him to the tree and went off to
work in his fields for awhile. A few hours later when he returned to check on the man he
found him exhausted, disheveled and as worn out as wet rag. The only thing holding him up
were the straps securing him to the tree. The farmer exclaimed "What on earth
happened? Did a bee sting you?" And the man wearily replied, "No.....but doesn't
that calf have a mother?"
One man meets one of his friends and finds him in very low spirits. So he asks him what's
happened. "Nothing important", says the other guy, "I've traveled a lot and
had some troubles". "I hope nothing serious" says the first man. "Oh
no" replies the other. "Surely ? I think there some not very pleasant that's
happened to you". "Ok, I'll tell it to you": "While I was in New York,
I was looking some shop windows when my eye fell on a part of the glass, and in the
reflection I saw behind me a very very ,big colored man. He had two big shoulders, it was
a mountain. I thought not being the object of his interests, so I moved to the next
shop." "While I was looking at the shop window my eye fell again on the
,reflection ,ad I saw again the black big, enormous, man. So I became afraid and I started
to rush. And he behind me rushed and rushed. At some moment I turned right in a alley,
rushed a lot (the black mountain still behind me), and discovered that it was a blind
alley. I put my arms on the wall ,ad waited. I was very afraid. The black man arrived
behind me, unzipped his pants and fucked me."
"Oh disgusting", says the other man. "What disgusting!", replies the
low spirit man. "His cock was so big that if he had decided to hit my head with it
surely I was died! But it was such an experience..."
A guy from the country side goes to the city to visit a friend who owns a music shop.
While visiting the music store, he is asked to attend the customers and ,answer the phone
while his friend(the owner of the store) takes care of an emergency. An old woman calls on
the phone inquiring for a song in a record: Do you have "Two lips to love me"?,
She asked. Ah..., I don't think so ma'm, but... I shure can give you 12 inches of pure
love!!, the man answered her with a shocked expression. Is that a record?, the old gal
asked, confused by the strange name ,for a song. Well..., The man said, "I wouldn't
know if that is a record but is more than the average where I come from".
Tough Mice
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.
I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and
bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those
Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with
that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice
look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the
hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies,
"Can't hang around with you wimps. I'm going home to fuck the cat."
An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in hisparish who kept
confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit hesaid, "If I hear one more person
confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with
a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a
ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town
and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the
sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having
fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
about the code word. The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I
don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
Two Nude Statues(1 male, 1 female) in the middle of a park have been standing for over 100
years An angel comes down and says to the statues "You have been good statues for so
long that God has granted you 15 minutes to live on earth. The statues say "Wow,
cool." They go behind a bush and the angel hears rustling from the bush. The statues
come out 10 minutes later, sweating and laughing. The angel says "You still have 5
more minutes The male statue says to the female "Cool. This time you hold down the
pigeon, and I'll shit on his head."
A farmer is sitting in the neigborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the
farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting
drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened
that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about
full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. I took her left leg and tied it to
the post on the left. I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket
about full, she took her right leg and kicks over the bucket. I took her right leg this
time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. I
didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that
moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....